[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
You Might Also Like
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
an octopus is just a wet spider
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
mom gave me mine for free