I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
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What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”