Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
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Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck