[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
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the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Always 🥴
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.