whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
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Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
😂😂😂
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.