DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
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[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.