We got caught Brian, just act normal..
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I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
No, he would not have.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”