Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
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Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
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Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers