Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
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*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Every work meeting this week
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.