Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
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son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Nomnomnomnom
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob