Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
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*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
それは草
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
we did it you guys we saved daylight
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue