“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
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[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
This is amazing.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?