Just parrot things
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If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works