*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
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ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.