My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
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I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
According to math, I’m broke
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.