*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
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Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
My brain is a bad influence on me
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.