My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
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When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”