It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
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Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
dutch is not a serious language
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
*seductively corrects your posture*
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed