Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
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cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
twitter is a journey
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees