It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
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whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.