H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
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[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?