I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
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I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Why soy sad?
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I think my mom just blocked me
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot