I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
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[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.