DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
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In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
So, can we agree on 4 or
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.