Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.