I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
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Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
what’s more important?
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup