No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
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This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.