“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
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I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.