ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
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I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true