My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.