Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
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Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
starting a garage orchestra
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.