*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
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selena gomez
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
“Why you watching this shit?”