“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
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Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.