I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
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People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I was bored.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.