My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
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“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Dishonest mechanic?
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.