Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
You Might Also Like
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂