[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
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What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
#growingpains
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.