i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
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Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
I see your IQ test came back negative
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”