A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
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If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Yeah. This was me today.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?