Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
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Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.