I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
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Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.