[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
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I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.