Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
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I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling