*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
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Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Me when my alarm goes off
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs