I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
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All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen