Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
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I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.