Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
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Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies