[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
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Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.