*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
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me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick