I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
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My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.